Dr. Sneeze Stephens Self-Serve Scientific Method for Autodidact Polymaths

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Classic Scientific Method In 7 Easy Steps + 1 Difficult One

  1. Define a question

  2. Gather information and resources (observe)

  3. Form an explanatory hypothesis

  4. Test the hypothesis by performing an experiment and collecting data in a reproducible manner

  5. Analyze the data

  6. Interpret the data and draw conclusions that serve as a starting point for a new hypothesis

  7. Publish results

  8. Form a consensus with your pedantic, pretentious peers. Proudly proclaim to the world, “Scientists have figured out everything.” Then join the new religion called Scientific Fundamentalism which bans non-graduates of elitist universities from participating in science thus dichotomizing priestly caste and dogmatist believers in materialistic nihilistic world religion. With a decade of diligent brainwashing at university, you finally have a tribe who gives your ego the validation it deserves after being picked on all those years, right nerd? Becoming a scientist has made you a real boy. Put thumb in rectum. Swirl. Burn diploma. Rinse and repeat. Scientifically proven to relieve pretension caused by graduation from elitist university. Science is humble. Scientists are arrogant pricks. Science is a great tool for discerning reality. Scientists know nothing. 

Using 7-Step Scientific Method to deduce whether or not scientific method works: Witch Hazel Experiment

  1. QUESTION: Will Witch Hazel make my arm stop itching?

  2. INFO: Scientific consensus says Witch Hazel is ineffective in treating itching caused by bug bites.

  3. HYPOTHESIS: I hypothesize that scientific consensus is bullshit.

  4. TEST: I rub Witch Hazel on each of my bug bites.

  5. ANALYZE: My arm stops itching.

  6. INTERPRET / NEW HYPOTHESIS: My arm was itching before I poured Witch Hazel on my bug bites, and afterwards my arm has stopped itching, disproving scholarly scientific consensus. New hypothesis: scholarly scientific consensus may be bullshit.

  7. PUBLISH: Scholarly consensus may be huge croc of shit. More information needed.

  8. CONSENSUS: I’ve retested my experiment multiple times now, and the results are reliably constant. I now move to apply this hypothesis to other aspects of my life using scientific method.

Using 7-Step Scientific Method: is Self-Use of Scientific Method More Reliable than blind faith in scientists?

  1. QUESTION: If I stop listening to or reading what my peers are referring to as “science” and I instead choose to use scientific method as a tool for self-discovery and self-exploration, is it possible for me to actually know anything?

  2. INFO: All information and resources I’ve gathered on the topic pose a conflict of interest, as the information was written by scientific scholars who strongly believe themselves to be clever and wise, however I have observed information which contradicts this pretension. I move to observe my own intuition and insight for information.

  3. HYPOTHESIS: I hypothesize that if I stop seeking knowledge through the words of scholars and stop seeking validation, approval, conclusions, titles, definitions, explanations from other human’s flawed data, my mental health and physical health will improve, my intuition will grow, I will become a more compassionate human being, and I will be more insightful and more knowledgeable in my own personal use of scientific method.

  4. TEST: 2020-2024, I lived alone in a cabin without internet in the woods and I followed a few simple, basic yogic guidelines. I ate only once per day, fresh fruits, fresh vegetables and nuts, full of living cells. Whenever and wherever I sat, I sat with my spine perfectly erect. And, perhaps most importantly, I didn’t give a fuck what so-called “scientists” said about any of it. I focused on my conscious intention to overcome the adversity in my body, my mind, my emotions. I began experiencing esoteric energy which I did not believe in previously. My body and mind began healing.

  5. ANALYZE: From 2001-2019, 70-something so-called scientists diagnosed me with Bipolar 1 and I tried every combination of medicine they prescribed me with terrible results. My life was a nightmare for nearly two decades, and I believed that my problems were mechanical, objective problems. I believed myself to be a piece of material in a materialistic universe, cursed to suffer the fate of my inherently flawed genealogy. Since 2020, I’ve gathered 5 years of data in various notebooks. The trials and tribulations have been severe, but the healing is undeniable. I have remained steadfastly devoted to the internal process, and every day I am reminded of one of many scientific studies I used to read and how horrifically wrong they all were, all the way back to Aristotle.

  6. INTERPRET / NEW HYPOTHESIS: There are various degrees of legitimacy in each respective field of science. Neuroscience is a much Truer science than psychology, for instance. But Cartesian Logic deduces only one verifiable source, the internal Self. New hypothesis: For the best data, collect thy self. As solipsistic as it may sound, I only experience the external world through my internal Self. Empirical data has no sway over my subjective experience, and ultimately it’s all subjective experience.

  7. PUBLISH: I’m publishing this at Internal Times, the newspaper of Purgatory. I hope you read it someday.

  8. CONSENSUS: Try it, scientists. Stop hijacking existential knowledge. It’s causing real harm. Materialistic nihilism is at the root of every mental illness and every societal battle. There is no actual war between the spiritual and the scientific. It’s a ruse created by religious zealots and cocky cuckold scientists like Dawkins, going back to the 19th Century. I know it’s only a few loudmouths and much of the scientific community is trying to do good, but look around. The dogma of materialistic nihilism has permeated every facet of society due to the hyperbolic rhetoric of radically objective scientists in complete denial of our shared metaphysical universe. Study the physical world, scientists. It’s beautiful, and there’s much to know. But you haven’t studied the metaphysical world! Proclaiming there’s no metaphysical world while simultaneously refusing to study it is NOT SCIENTIFIC METHOD. Scientists have come nowhere close to knowing reality, knowing life, knowing the internal workings of the Being we call humanity. Stop. Pretending. To Know. Scientists Know Nothing.

scientists refuse to study metaphysical world then proclaim it doesn’t exist

There is a radical bias in the scientific community which actively suppresses outward acknowledgement of the esoteric. There’s no data on that which you refuse to acknowledge. There’s no evidence for what you refuse to study.