Grace hides in disappointment, in failure and misery and disguised as tragedy. The upheavals of humanity were microcosms of all life, and the upheavals of country were a microcosm of my life. The country was young, callow, still amending, still evolving, always with the promise of change.
Throughout the never-ending Covid plague, racial tensions, political unrest and the like, I was facing my own demons. I was young, callow, still amending, still evolving, always with the promise of change. The will to power, or the will to live, was synonymous with the will to evolve, and all life seemed to be reaching for the same thing. Humans were the only ones who didn’t seem to know what they were reaching for.
As the blindfolded donkey walks in circles cranking the mill assuming he’s walked miles and miles, the human stuck in cycles of pleasure and pain walks up and down the same hill his whole life and calls it progress. At the end of the day I departed with Camus’ Sisyphus, because my boulder didn’t roll back down the hill. The hill was an eternal evolution and the boulder was desire. The highest peak united oneself with the cosmos. By then, there was no longer a boulder to push, for the entire journey was about shedding the weight of the load, shedding desire.
Headstrong is not strength, I began to know. Only the ignorant believe themselves wise. All my perceived virtues were illusive perceptions, lies I made up to validate my being. Tragedy upon tragedy, failure upon failure, insult upon injury, I began to know as Grace in disguise.
Oh, God couldn’t evolution be a little easier? One must imagine the first fish on dry land wasn’t too happy in the water. The water must’ve been unbearable. Evolution was like that. Species transformed in quick spurts over short periods of time, not small changes over long periods of time. One could find the patterns of the cosmos in oneself, as the cosmos repeated itself from the universal to the earthly, macro down to the micro.
Pretending not to suffer was, perhaps what all the other fish did that day the first fish left the water. Perhaps they’re still swimming circles in that same murky, acidic sludge telling themselves they’re happy enough, contented enough not to leave, not to change, not to seek anything new. Lying to oneself with blind optimism was just another deception, another delusion to avoid the inevitable, the impending requirement to living, which was and is always going to be… change. Avoiding difficulty was not constructive motivation. Neither was guilt or pity. Wallowing in self-pity was walking in circles blindfolded like an ass. Evolution required courage.
Oh, God why is my life so goddam difficult? Why did this whole life feel like a series of attacks? I turned to the series of quotes I’d gathered over the years, Da Vinci, MLK, Jesus, Jefferson, Camus, Spiderman -they had all said the same thing about responsibility. If you have the ability, you have the responsibility. MLK had highlighted the negative side of that sentiment by saying evil prevails when good men do nothing.
The fact is, I knew I had the ability to go all the way. I had felt it within me my entire life. I could take a pitstop, me and my boulder, to wallow in misery or sometimes just to admire the scenery, but I couldn’t deny my ability, and therefore my responsibility. I knew that no matter what lay ahead, I would continue to climb, and there would be a space and time beyond this and that.
This life was about evolution, and I had to start realizing evolution is beyond success and failure, pain and pleasure. I was a callow young human from a callow young species in a callow young country on a callow young earth. I would make friends with change, even the perceived negative aspects of it. Because Grace is always disguising itself as an obstacle. The shadows were always pointing to the light.
RESPONSIBILITY
"With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility"
— Radioactive Homoarachnid (& Lord Melbourne & Winston Churchill & FDR)
“For evil to succeed, all it needs is for good men to do nothing.”
— Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
"For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required"
— Luke 12:48
"If there's something wrong, those who have the ability to take action have the responsibility to take action."
— Thomas Jefferson
"He who does not punish evil commands it to be done."
— Leonardo da Vinci
“Those who have the privilege to know have the duty to act.”
— Albert Einstein
"Every man is guilty of the good he did not do."
— Voltaire
"While there are many people nowadays who condemn violence and murder in their heart of hearts, there aren't many willing to recognize that this obliges them to reconsider the way they think and act."
— Albert Camus
“Responsibility simply means your ability to respond.”
— Sadhguru
“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”
-Jesus