DATED: 2011
I believe that the universe was invented by a very small man named Steve in 1882, and if thy resisteth evil throughout thy life, in death thou shall get to chill on a marshmallow cloud, but if thou let evil prevail, thou shall spend eternity in rural Texas.
My name's Robert Nicholas, but sometimes people call me Da Buddha, either because I'm shiny or I’m fat. I was born inside of a whale, somewhere southeast of Newfoundland. When I was 3 months old, I swam to America and was adopted by an abortion clinic. When I was 10, I paddled back out into the Atlantic Ocean on a raft I made out of 3,762 cartons of Camel Wides. I don't remember much of my teenage years, as I began fermenting, distilling and consuming fermented and distilled spadefish. I also smoked a considerable amount of salt-laced seaweed i.e. 'oceandust' during this time. I am now 24 years of age and fully intend on staying this age until I die of old age. Upon my death, I'd like my body to be consumed by a wild boar, piece by piece, throughout the nine days following my death. On the tenth day following my death, I'd like my surviving family and friends to roast the boar and eat it.
Some of my phobias include dried fruits that perform rock music, people made from used auto parts, Decatur County Jail, the spoonful of sugar following the medicine, pretty nannies with flying umbrellas, and people who think they're smarter than me because they know how to spell the word iksy-cali-frajiless-in-crispy-alatroshus.
These are a few of my favorite things. As for superpowers, I think the cat's out of the bag, nudge nudge wink wink. I'm Batman.
Here are some of my favorite quotes:
"Jesus Christ, ya'll chill out. It’s not that big of a deal."
-God
"If thy resists evil throughout life, in death thou shall get to chill on a marshmallow cloud, but if thou let evil prevail, thou shall spend eternity in rural Texas."
-Steve
“I am to blame for most of the things.”
-Ronald Reagan
I am an “artist.”
-Miley Cyrus
“Verily verily I say unto you, if a canine poopoo in thy yard, spread the other cheek and poo on the dog.”
-Mathew 5:39
What other people are saying about Robert LaSalle:
Everybody who hears my music says, "Why are you not signed?" I say, "I have no f--ing idea." And then they say, "Oh, probably 'cuz you're an a--hole." And I say, "Yeah. That's probably why."